Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
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*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Breaking news:
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.