ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
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I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.