Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
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You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.