Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.