Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
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Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI