me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym
cashier: you’re at a bakery miss
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I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Bros before Ohioes
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.