Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
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The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Is….Is this an option?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.