@MickSnark

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

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@CandyEmpires4

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

@goldengateblond

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

@raoulvilla

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

@lloydrang

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

@MisterBombay

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

@Gorrdano

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

@OkieGirl405

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

@TeflonPawn

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

@Stellacopter

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.