Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

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You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.


Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?


Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.


You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?


Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.


My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog


If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.


We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.