Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
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The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard