@amandajpanda
@ObscureGent My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
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@ObscureGent 
@Mardigroan This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
@GetCougarized Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
@NickBossRoss I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
@farahmynaf drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
@Backthat_sid Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
@envydatropic I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
@Pappiness Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
@bewgtweets Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
@sbellelauren shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period