Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I unironically love this joke.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Black Friday “markdowns” like
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me