Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
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[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me, reading some of your tweets
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.