Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
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Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.