Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
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Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs