me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
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Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Customer is always right
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Finally
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour