Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
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[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.