Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
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I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”