Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.