Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
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Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
wait.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah