Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
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We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name