Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
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me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
me