Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
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My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
The fall of Netflix
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Yes my dude
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…