Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”