me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
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calling in to work dehydrated
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
What
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today