Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
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Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.