Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
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Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Simple enough.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
So true for me
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few