ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
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ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”