Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
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All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.