Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
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Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
an airline just for babies.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.