Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
You Might Also Like
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I bet birds love this building.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.