Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
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Yep.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.