Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
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[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!