Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

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If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.


Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.


ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.


I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.


Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.


The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..


Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm


[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.