Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
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Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
technically true but not a great slogan
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!