Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

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The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.


Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-


HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!


[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.


Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous


Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:


I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them


{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}


Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.


You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.