@GrantTanaka

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

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@robdelaney

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

@RodLacroix

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

@dave_cactus

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

@Cpin42

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

@

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

@whereami18

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

@ninatreemonkey

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

@johnofah

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

@CandyEmpires

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.