me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
You Might Also Like
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
January is lasting longer than my marriage
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.