Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
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I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
next level snooze
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
(Musicians.)
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.