Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
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Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Ugh
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail