ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
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Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Happy Febuary everyone!
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁