ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

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jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world


(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.


Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.


Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”


Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said


I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.


Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.


Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing