@ShesARealGenius

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

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@Writepop

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

@amishschool

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

@KeepOnPogging

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

@OlanDevine

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

@KirstyWebeck

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

@ParasiteHilton

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

@Traceyband8

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

@Cpin42

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.