My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
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This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.