Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
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Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no