Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
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[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’