me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
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I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”