Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
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Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Cause of death: Zumba
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.