Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
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Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go