Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
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Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.