Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
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ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
A couple who are silly together stay together.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.