Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
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Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…