@better_off_dad2

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

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@caliluvgirl77

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

@AbbyHasIssues

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

@lloydrang

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

@Six_Pack_Mom

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

@XplodingUnicorn

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

@lovemydogduck

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

@ArfMeasures

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

@OyVeyLady

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

@JosesLovesYou

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

@iamspacegirl

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.