Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

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Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?


BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone


Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.


People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin


“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.


9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.


My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.


ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon


Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?


Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do


have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.