me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
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Support your local cemetery
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know