Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
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Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
#Caturday
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.