me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
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The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
That took me a moment.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
🤣🤣
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
taking June’s advice to heart