Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
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Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Miscakes
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken